Fishing Jokes

The Castaway

One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. 'It's certainly not a ship, 'he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?' 'Ten years' replies the stunned man. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it and takes a long drag and says, 'Man oh man! Is that ever good!'

And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?' she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies: 'Ten years!' She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, 'Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!'

At this point, she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs own the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, 'And how long has it been since you've played around?' With tears in his eyes the guy falls to his knees and says. 'Oh sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!

Fishing trick for the wife

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: ’You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.’

Second guy: ’That is nothing, I had to promise my wiife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.’

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.’

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him.!

’You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?’

Fourth guy: ’I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, ’Fishing or Sex’ and she said, ’Wear a sweater.’

Reasons Why Boats Are Better Than Women

Boats only need their fluids changed every year.
Boats curves never sag.
Boats last longer.
Boats don't get pregnant.
You can ride a Boat any time of the month.
Boats don't have parents.
Boats don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can share your Boat with your friends.
If your Boat makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
You only need to get a new belt for your Boat when the old one is really worn.
If your Boat smokes, you can do something about it.
Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have ridden.
When riding, you and your Boat both arrive at the same time.
Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have.
Boats don't mind if you look at other Boats, or if you buy Boating magazines.
If your Boat is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
You can have a beer while riding your Boat.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Boat.
You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Boat.
You don't have to convince your Boat that you're a Boater and that you think that all Boats are equals.
If you say bad things to your Boat, you don't have to apologise before you can ride it again.
You can ride a Boat as long as you want and it won't get sore.
Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Boat after you dump it.
Boats always feel like going for a ride.
Boats don't insult you if you are a bad boater.
Boats don't care if you are late.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your Boat.
It's always ok to use tie downs on your Boats.
If your Boat doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
You can't get diseases from a Boat you don't know very well.

And my personal favorite...... Boats don't mind if you ride them hard all day while drinking beer wirh your buddies, and then fall asleep on top of them.........boats understand their place in life !

Two morons were ice fishing and not having much luck. Pretty soon a guy went by on a snow mobile and he had a whole bucket of fish on the back. One moron says to the other one "That's why were not catching anything ,we're not trolling!"

Two Morons rent a rowboat, row out a way, throw their lines in and try fishing. Nothing happens. One fellow says to the other, we have to row out away from shore into deep water. They row and row offshore about one mile out, try fishing again. Same thing nothing. The same fellow says we have to go really far out that's where the fish are. They row for an hour. They are so far out they can not see land. They try again. low and behold they hit a bananza. There is no rest. Fish after fish is caught one fellow says to the other. You know we can come back tomorrow catch another load of fish and make some money selling it. His friend says that's a great idea but how are we going to find this same spot. His friend thinks about it a moment then says we could mark an X on the side of the boat. His friend looks at him a moment says OK. As they are rowing back toward shore his friend gives him a dirty look and says that wasn't such a good idea marking an X on the side of the boat. How do you know if we'll get the same boat tomorrow?

What did the fish say when it hit a wall ? DAM

An Italian fellow took his mother fishing on a party boat for Fluke one day, after drifting for hours without even a nibble his mother hooks into a doormat Fluke, everyone on the boat was excited cheering the old women on telling her to take her time don't lose it etc. finally she lifted it into the boat picked up the fish removed the hook looked at it up and down and then tossed it back into the water, stunned her son said mama why did you throw that fish back into the water? She looked at him and said I don't know to me it just didn't look fresh

The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, "Only a little while." The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?" The Mexican said, "With this I have more than enough to support my family's needs." The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life." The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you will run your ever-expanding enterprise." The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15 to 20 years." "But what then?" asked the Mexican. The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions." "Millions?...Then what?" The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos." 

GOD TALKING WITH NOAH! Noah did yoy take the Ark out today? Yes God, I did. Noah how did you do fishing? I could only fish a short time. Why was that Noah? Because I only had TWO worms!

The difference between a fairy tale and a fish story is a fairy tail begins, "Once upon a time..." and a fish story begins, " This ain't no bullshit..."

Two brothers are out for the day in their tin boat. The first one hooks into a big one, fights it for a half hour or so and when the fish finally tires he brings it to the boat. it is the drop-dead oddest fish they have ever seen. before they can drop it into the cooler the fish says, "I'm an enchanted fish and if you'll let me go I'll grant your any wish."

Well the boys are a bit skeptical but they decide he's too ugly to eat so they drop the fish overboard . Looking up from the lake, the fish says "ok, what will it be???"

Before having time to think the first brother says, "all right, turn the lake into budweisier!"

Before you know it POOF! The lake turns into a foaming vat of beer.

"Now why did you go and do a damn fool thing like that" the other brother says, "Now we'll have to pee in the boat!!!!"

Why fishing is better than making love:

* When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good.
If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

* Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither.
And don't want to know how many other fish you caught.

* In fishing you lie about the one that got away.
In loving you lie about the one you caught.

* You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie, and promise to
still be friends after you let it go.

* You don't necessarily have to change your line to keep catching fish.

* You can catch a fish on a 20-cent frozen squid.
If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

* Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

Three priests were fishing on a boat when they ran out of bait.
The first priest got up and walk across the water to get some more bait.
After 2 hours they ran out of bait again and the second priest said he would go get more bait...so he got up and walk across the water.
After 3 hours of fishing they ran out of bait again and the third priest said he would get more bait. So he stepped out of the boat and went straight to the bottom.
The first priest turned to the second priest and asked,
"Should we have told him where the rocks were? "

Two blondes rented a fishing boat, and were having a great day catching fish.
The first blonde said "This is such a great spot, we need to mark it so we can come back."
The second blonde proceeded to put a mark on the side of the boat.
The first blonde asked "What are you doing?"
The second blonde replied "Marking the spot."
The first blonde countered "But what if we don't get the same boat?"

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to fishing for a week. Its the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in and hour to pick them up."

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later her returns.

His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear."

He says "Oh yes it was great. But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

Two Irishmen walking down the street with two salmon each under their arms.
Two other Irishmen walking in the opposite direction see the two lucky fishermen and ask " how did you catch those ?"
Well its like this! Michael here holds my legs over the bridge, and I grab the salmon as they swim up the river. We got four salmon A great days fishing!
So the fishless pair look at each other and agree to give it a try.
They get to the bridge and Sean calls to his friend "hold my legs now Paddy".
Well he is hanging there upside down for thirty minutes when he suddenly cries.. "pull me up, pull me up!!
Paddy asks " do you have a fish Sean?"............
No replies Sean, there a bloody train coming!!!!!!!!

The Three Fishermen and the Mermaid

Three fishers were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first fisher said: "double my I.Q" so the mermaid did it and to his surprise he started reciting shakespeare.

Then the second fisher said: "triple my I.Q." and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't know existed.

The third fisher was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q and the mermaid said "Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!" the fisher said "yes" so the mermaid turned him into a woman.

Old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and his fishing pole walking down the dirt road. "Where you goin' with that pole?" he calls. "Gonna git me some fish with this here fishing pole!" answers the kid. Sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with a bucket of fish.

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some duct tape. "Where you goin' with that?" he calls. "Gonna git me some ducks with this here tape!" answers the kid. "You can't git no ducks with tape!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the tape strung out behind him and ducks stuck all over it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some chicken wire. "Where you going with that?" he calls. "Gonna get me some chickens with this wire!" answers the kid. "You can't get no chickens with wire!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the wire strung out behind him and chickens stuck all through it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some pussy willows. "Now hold on just a minute" calls the old man, "while I get my hat!!"

Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

The Blonde who went Ice-Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary equipment together, she made her way out onto the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly ---from the sky--- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE! She stopped, looked skyward, and said, " Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Rink Manager!"

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