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| NUTS TO YOU | The Bus Driver | Balloons | Engineer in hell |
| NEED A PUSH | George Carlin quotes: | Little Garden Girl | Little Nancy's Parakeet |
| The Lone Ranger | Computer Viruses | painting a room | Printer Friendly Version |
This guy is out with his buddies enjoying his bachelor party. They go out golfing and he gets hit in the “nuts” with a golf ball. He’s in great pain so his buddies rush him to the hospital.
He asked the doctor what he should do now with his wedding day only one day away.
The doctor takes a look at it and sees that it’s not broken. He calls to the nurse in for a second opinion. They agree that the best thing to do is bandage it real well, and it should be good in a few days.
The doctor instructs the nurse to get four tongue depressors and some gauze tape.
As the nurse starts rapping his unit, she’s amazed how well he’s hung, she gets a little turned on, and asks the guy if he wouldn’t mind if she can see if its still working all right. Being a guy, he agrees.
On the following night, his new bride comes out of the bathroom wearing a beautiful teddy and removes her top. She has magnificent big breasts, and declares that “Being a virgin” her breasts have never touched nor seen by another person.
The guy now feels guilty, from what happen yesterday, as he’s feeling her breast for the first time. He keeps thinking on how he can make her feel good about himself.
He has an idea. Then he drops his pants, declaring that he’s still a virgin too.
Look, Darling, “Mines still in its crate”.
They like happily every after, until he goes back to the doctor office.
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in the
pouring rain is asking for a push.
"Not a chance" says the husband "It's
three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"NO, I didn't, it's 3
o'clock in the morning and it's pouring rain!!"
"Well, you've got a short memory" says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and
those two guys helped us out? I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out in the pouring rain
and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband
"Over here, on the swing" the drunk replies.
A hippie gets on a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat.
The hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets of at the next stop.
When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord.
"If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," said the male bus driver, "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up.
When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god.
"I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first."
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity.
The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun.
After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"
The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an alge-bra?
28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
29. How is it possible to have a civil war?
30. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
31. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
32. If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
33. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
34. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
35. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
36. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
37. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
38. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
39. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
40. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Little Tommy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.
"Mommy, Mommy, what are those?" he says pointing to her breasts. "Well, son," she says, "These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.
“Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off, quite satisfied.
Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen.
"Mommy, Mommy, help Aunt Jenny is dying!" "What do you mean?" says his mother.
"Well, she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Dad's trying to blow 'em up for her and she keeps yelling, "God, I'm coming!
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a daddy longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs, " The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat!
"Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit in our garden!
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Little 10 year-old Nancy was in the garden, filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My parakeet died today," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor sounding concerned said, "Gee, that hole is awfully big for a parakeet, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “Not really, he's inside your fucking cat."
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. 'Who is it?" Says, one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,...
(...I JUST LOVE THIS...)
"Nothin", but you left your In'jun running.
Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc through out the national system.
Beware of...
1. THE CLINTON Virus.... Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
2. THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
3. THE LEWINSKY virus... Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did.
4. THE RONALD REAGAN virus.... Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
5. THE MIKE TYSON virus....Quits after two bytes.
6. THE OPRAH WINFREY virus....Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb.
7. THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus....Deletes all old files.
8. THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus...Disks can no longer be inserted.
9. THE PROZAC virus....Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care
10. THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...Only attacks minor files
11. THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus...Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
12. THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)
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Also see our Fishing Jokes or funny jokes
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