funnyjokes

Little Tommy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.

"Mommy, Mommy, what are those?" he says pointing to her breasts. "Well, son," she says,
"These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.

" Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off, quite satisfied.

Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen.

"Mommy, Mommy, help Aunt Jenny is dying!" "What do you mean?" says his mother.

"Well, she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Dad's trying to blow 'em up for her and she keeps yelling, "God, I'm coming!

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "What the hell is your secret?"

So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he jerked off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.

His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?

"CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.

Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."-by Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. -by Frank Sinatra

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.-Ernest Hemingway

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.-Henny Youngman

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?-Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! - Brian O'Rourke

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.-Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.-Dave Barry

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!

Remember "I" before "E",except in Budweiser.

To some its a six-pack, to others it's a Support Group

Traffic Tickets

GOOD:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem-a 10-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign that read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. (And we used to just sell lemonade.)

BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another
mailed photo...of Handcuffs. He sent in the money.

BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.

He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

Famed fictional detective Sherlock Holmes and his gruff assistant Doctor Watson pitch their tent while on a camping expedition, but in the middle of the night Holmes nudges Watson awake and questions him.

HOLMES: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.

WATSON: I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there there might also be life.

HOLMES: Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent.

Change the Oil

It was the stir of the town when an guy in his 80's married a 20 year old girl.

After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running.

" The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man."

He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black

Andy Rooney's Thought On Life....

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.

I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.

And then you die. What's that? A bonus?

I think the life-cycle is all backwards.

You should die first and get it all over with.

Then you live in an old age home.

You get kicked out when you're too young.

You get a gold watch.

You go to work.

You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You do drugs, alcohol and party.

You get ready for high school.

You go to grade school and become a kid.

You play. You have no responsibilities.

You become a little baby & go back into the womb.

You spend your last nine months floating...

Then, you finish off as an orgasm. I like it.

John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and one evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening, "Here's To The Best Years o' Me Life, Spent Between The Legs o' Me Wife."

When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best toast of the evening." His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said, "Here's To The
Best Years o' me Life, Spent in Church wi' me Wife."

His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your Toast."

The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local police man on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with John O'Riley. He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won first prize".

"Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts: he's only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him out by the ears."

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight on her front stoop, the guy starts feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"   Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?"

Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can't"

Him: "I beg you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:   "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it.   But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."

Hung Chow calls his boss and says "Hey boss, I not come to work to day, I really sick, I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come to work"

The boss says "You know Hung, I really need you today. When I feel like that I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later, Hung Chow calls again.

"Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. By the way...You got nice house."

Latest news reports advise that a cell of five terrorists has been operating in the Harlem area.
Police advised earlier today that four of the five have already been detained. The Regional Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists: Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin, Bin Fightin and Bin Pimpin have already been arrested on immigration issues. The police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fifth cell member: Bin Workin, in the area. Police are however, confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be extremely easy to spot in this community.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain is asking for a push.

"Not a chance" says the husband "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"NO, I didn't, it's 3 o'clock in the morning and it's pouring rain!!"

"Well, you've got a short memory" says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two guys helped us out? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out in the pouring rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband

"Over here, on the swing" the drunk replies.

How to pick up "chicks"

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Two Hillbillies in Arkansas were having the blue plate special (Road Kill) at their favorite diner, when they heard this awful choking sound.

They turned around to see a lady, a few barstools down, turning blue from wolfing down a burger too fast. The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we otta' hep?" "I reckon," said the second hillbilly.

The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew breathe?" She shook her head no. "Kin yew talk?" he asked. She again shook her head no.

With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt.

She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever'time

Didn't Make The Cut At Hallmark

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking?"

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday -- so we're having you put to sleep."

"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister

The Bus Driver"

A hippie gets on a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets of at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord.

"If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," said the bus driver(male), "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up.

When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god.

"I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first."

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity.

The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun.

After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"

The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

Notable Quotes

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake relationships." (Sharon Stone)
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that you're in." (Courtney Cox, Monica on "Friends")

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." (Jerry Garcia) - (Grateful Dead)

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." (Barbara Bush, Former First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." (Robin Williams)

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." (Billy Crystal)

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." (Rod Stewart)

"On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." (Bruce Willis)

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan." (George Burns)

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." (Carmen Boyle, Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996)

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."(Henry Kissenger, former US Secretary of State)

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading." (Steve Jobs, Founder: Apple Computers)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee .The natural enemy of any tightrope walker." (Dan Rather)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?" (Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." (Tiger Woods)

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." (Axel Rose, Guns'n'Roses)

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." (Rev. Jesse Jackson)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." (Jack Nicholson)

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." (Roseanne)

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful." (Robert De Niro)

"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?" (Hugh Grant)

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say it causes severe swelling. So what's the problem?" (Dustin Hoffman)

"When the sun comes up, I have morals again." (Elizabeth Taylor)

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, "I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." (Jerry Seinfield)

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." (Robin Williams)

Never felt better

An old farmer was on his way for a night out on the town. He loaded his old hound dog into the buggy, hitched his favorite horse to the buggy and started off. Out of nowhere comes a car and smashes into his buggy.

After months of hospitalization, he sued the person who ran into him.

The defense called the local sheriff as a witness. The defense lawyer asked "did the plaintiff say anything when you came to him at the accident scene?" The sheriff replied, "Yes, he said 'I never felt better'".

The plaintiff's lawyer was very upset by this and asked the farmer if this was true. The farmer said "yes, but just put me on the stand, I'll take care of it".

The farmer's lawyer than called him to the stand and asked "did you really say 'never felt better'?"

The farmer replied, "I sure did, but you gotta understand. The sheriff first went to my dog who was hurt bad, shook his head, an shot the dog, then he went to my horse, and shot him too, so when he asked me if I was okay, I said "I never felt better".

Rules for Real Men

Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is o.k. for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When your Date is using her teeth.

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits, forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes.

For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man (in fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional).

On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

While your girlfriend must bond with your buds' girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals' significant d**k-head --- low level sports bonding is all the law requires (sorry ladies, it's called a double standard and you drew the short straw on that one).

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax.

If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach............and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...........and it's free.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers.

You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response...

Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
    a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
    b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
    c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
    d. Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.

The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

Regarding job layoffs in the U.S......

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI-LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while.

He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in..... AMERICA..

George Carlin quotes:

   1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
   2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
   3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
   4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
   5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
   6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
   7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
   8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
   9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
   10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
   11. Is there another word for synonym?
   12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
   13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
   14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
   15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
   16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
   17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
   18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
   19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
   20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
   21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
   22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
   23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
   24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
   25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
   26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
   27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an alge-bra?
   28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
   29. How is it possible to have a civil war?
   30. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
   31. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
   32. If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
   33. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
   34. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
   35. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
   36. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
   37. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
   38. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
   39. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
   40. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Monks

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.
Each monk had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first monk, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same responses from all the monks until she got to the final monk.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.
Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell.
And then, all the other bells started to ring....

When the "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE:

10) "What the *&%# was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima - August 1945

9) "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" Custer 1877

8) "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that." Einstein 1938

7) "It does SO *&%#ing look like her!" - Picasso 1926

6) "How the *&%# did you work that out?" - Pythagorus 126 BC

5) "You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" Michaelangelo 1566

4) "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain." - Joan of Arc 1434

3) "Scattered *&%#ing showers...my ass!" - Noah 314 BC

2) "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!"JFK 63

AND THE ALL TIME BEST

1) "Aw c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000,

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, 'Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, 'You don't like getting flowers?'

The redhead says, 'I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like
spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.'

The blonde says, 'Don't you have a vase?

A guy blows through a stop sign and gets caught by a policeman.
Cop says, "License and registration please."

Guy says, "What for?"

Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Guy says,"I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop says,"You still didn't come to a complete stop, license and
registration, please."

Guy says, "What's the difference?"

Cop says, "the difference is, you have to come to a complete Stop.
License and registration, PLEASE!"

Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration."

Cop says, "Exit your vehicle sir."
At this point, the cop takes out his Night Stick and starts beating the piss out of the guy and says "Do you want me to slow down or stop?"

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a daddy longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs,

" The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat!

"Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit in our garden!

THE SMELLY SCAPEGOAT

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!"

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she craps all over you!"

Finally Together

A lady married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She soon married again and had 7 more children. Her second husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him for this loving woman who fulfilled His commandment to "Go forth and multiply". In his eulogy, the preacher said: "Lord, they're finally together."

Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

The neighbor replied: "I think he means her legs."

Little Nancy's Parakeet

Little 10 year old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My parakeet died today," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor sounding concerned said, "Gee, that hole is awfully big for a parakeet, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "Not really,........... he's inside your fucking cat."

Lesbian Jokes

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?

A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an eskimo lesbian?

A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?

Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?

Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales?

So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of

their heads.

6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?

Fur Traders.

7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?

A Lickalotapuss.

8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?

Well Hung.

9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods?

Fingerpaint.

10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna?

POTPOURRI.

11. What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner?

See you next month.

12. Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned?

She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

13. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?

Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

14. Do you know what drag is?

It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.

15. What do you call lesbian twins?

Lick-a-likes.

16. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?

She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

17. What's the definition of confusion?

Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

18. What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?

One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker

An oldie, but I love this one.....

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers,... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer no biggie --you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's....awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go bankrupt, well you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose . . . that's right you're dead - who cares! OD!!
Guy: Wow! I never realized Hell was such a swinging' place!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No.....
Demon: Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays..

What happens when a president gets elected in a year with a "0" at the end?

1840: William Henry Harrison (Died in Office)
1860: Abraham Lincoln (Assassinated)
1880: James A. Garfield (Assassinated)
1900: William McKinley (Assassinated)
1920: Warren G. Harding (Died in Office)
1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in Office)
1960: John F. Kennedy (Assassinated)
1980: Ronald Reagan (Survived Assassination Attempt)
2000: Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called Lincoln' made by Ford
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker:
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe

WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."

WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two
different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".

NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!! In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllooooo!)

THE GRAND FINALE Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get
their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER THIS IS TRUE....Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Engineer in hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets andescalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?

Only in his dream
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. The biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact.

"Mary...Mary...."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, I have sex until late at night.

The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

One day a guy came out of the local bar, extremely drunk. He began to stumble his way around the parking lot with his key in his hand. While he is looking for his car he stumbles past a police officer. The cop asks the guy if he needs any help. The guy mumbles out "I've been robbed!" The cop replies "What has been stolen?" "My car ,it's gone!" he says.

The cop asks "Where did you see it last?" "It was right here on the end of my key!" he says.

The cop then notices that the guy has his dick hanging out of his pants and it's swinging around.The cop asks "Do you know your penis is exposed?" The guy replies "OH SHIT, they stole my girlfriend too!!!!!!!!"

Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc Through out the national system.

Beware of...

THE CLINTON Virus....Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory

THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy

THE LEWINSKY virus...Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did

THE RONALD REAGAN virus....Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored

THE MIKE TYSON virus....Quits after two bytes

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus....Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb

THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus....Deletes all old files

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus...Disks can no longer be inserted

THE PROZAC virus....Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...Only attacks minor files

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus...Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back

And my personal favorite...

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

Finders Keepers

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

Come to the Olympic's

A man was out shopping and spotted a new brand of condoms. He bought a pack and told his wife about it when he got home.

"Olympic condoms?" she said, examining the package. "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replied. "Gold, silver and bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked.

"Gold, of course."

"How about the silver?" she suggested. "It would be nice if you came in second for a change!"

Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near and abandoned gas station.

They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.

How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy... any guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"

PAINTING A ROOM"

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. 'Who is it?" Calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; would taste better if you bought one at a time.

"The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," He explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected me brothers a bit though."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,...

(...I JUST LOVE THIS...)

"Nothin", but you left your In'jun running.

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a dead cat.

"How do you know is was dead?", she asked.

"Because I pissed in it's ear and it didn't move," said the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssst' and it didn't move."

A Blonde was driving home after a Red Sox game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said,

"What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said,     ... "HELLO ...

You need to roll up the windows first!"

New York - Year 2032
A father and his son are walking the Manhattan streets whenthe father stops at a vacant lot, takes a deep breath and tells his son:"To think that at one time here on this very lot stood theTwin Towers."

The son looks at his father and asked:"Dad, what are the Twin Towers?" Father says: "My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremendously tall buildings with lots of offices that was the heart of the United States,but approx 31 years ago, several Arabs destroyed the buildings."

The boy then thought for a minute and then asked his father: "Daddy what are Arabs?

Three Drunk Women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first girl claimed that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door I blew chunks for 10 minutes."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand...

..........Chunks is my dog."

Need to know Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
The wingspan of the B-36, a retired USAF bomber, was twice as long.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.

Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.

And, the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Now, you know everything there is to know.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watched as he wiped a tear from his eye and took a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whisper's, as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband paused, the words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued..............
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my faceand said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

Today I would have been freed....

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

The dog from Irelandn

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only his pet dog forcompany.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not me lad; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and

there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! me lad; Why didn`t ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"